The realities of life are hardly what one might imagine
Today, I want to share what’s going on, and what has gone on with me.
Hello lovely reader(s)!
It has been way too long since my last post. TBH I’ve simply not had the motivation or desire to write. However, I feel I owe it to myself to finish the last part to the Sunday Drive story, which has been difficult for me to return to. The story has close ties to a personal experience of my youth, but I’m planning for a significant departure from actual events for the remaining chapter – closer to how I wished it would have ended… maybe. This is making it particularly hard to face. If you have read the first two parts of the story, you have my heartfelt thanks. I make no promises because the world could end tomorrow – mine, yours, or ours? I do have every intention of returning to the story and providing a suitable, hopefully entertaining, end but not today.
Today, I want to share what’s going on, and what has gone on with me.
It goes back to August of this year. Feeling that something was missing in my life, as I often do, I looked into volunteering with a hospice organization. For quite some time I’ve found myself overwhelmed with the state of our world: the climate crisis, racial injustice, inequality, wealth disparity, threat to democracy here in the US and worldwide, war, famine, oppression, etc, etc… I wanted to get involved and be part of the solution; I gave money, I wrote postcards, I put an app on my phone to easily advocate for climate crisis causes, I made significant changes in my consumer habits (reuse containers, nearly no single-use plastics, buy used and re-used whenever possible), and I subscribed to many newsletters of people and organizations trying to make a positive difference in the world. These actions helped me to believe I was doing something to help, but it was never enough. In the process, my email was filled everyday with publications and donation requests leaving me to feel more and more overwhelmed and powerless to make any real impact on the problems existing in the world today.
I was faced with the sad realization of how difficult it is for one individual to make a difference. Picking one thing, just one to focus on, would likely be the only way I was going to find a way towards effective impact. At the same time, I realized one way for me to not fall into a dark abyss of depression was change my perspective to one of acceptance. When I see that the destruction of this planet’s ability to support life as we know it is inevitable and likely imminent, I have the choice of running around like my hair is on fire, pretending that it’s no true, or accepting reality. When I choose acceptance, it allows me to take stock in what we have now, and acknowledge the preciousness of everything and every moment. I can’t think of a better way to keep me in appreciation of the here and now than to spend some time with people who are facing the end of their time as physical beings on earth, preparing to transition to whatever happens after physical life.
So I started looking for hospice volunteer opportunities in my community – there are many. I applied and was selected by one and started on my journey to become a hospice volunteer. One of the requirements is to have several vaccinations up-to-date, so I pulled up my medical history in the new system most medical groups subscribe to. In that system, I saw a notification for overdue medical screenings, including a mammogram. I remember getting my last mammogram referral about a year ago and realized, I completely forgot to follow-up on the referral. At the time, I had referrals for two screenings and I was much more focused (worried about) the other referral. I scheduled and completed the other screening, which thankfully came out clean. Unfortunately, the mammogram referral fell through my mental cracks and it had now been nearly two years. Annual mammograms are recommended for women my age. I immediately called to schedule and was lucky to get in right away. So, in early August I showed up for my very late annual mammogram. I was called back for an ultrasound, and then to biopsy a “suspicious nodule.” The biopsy came back with stage-1 breast cancer diagnosis. This took a while for me to absorb, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, or how I should feel about it. The realities of life are hardly what you imagine they might be. Instead of allowing fear to take hold, I just kept on doing the next thing in front of me, arming myself with information in order to make decisions with the best possible outcomes for me and my family in mind. So far, I consider my set if circumstances as very fortunate. At every step, I was assured with high success rates, low rates of risk or recurrence, and minimal side effects. Additionally, I have adequate health insurance, funds set aside for such an occasion, a supportive husband, community of friends and family, and the medical professionals I have encountered so far are kind, compassionate, and highly knowledgeable.
Then a few things started to go a bit sideways. In late October, I took three weeks off for surgery prep and recovery. I returned to work on a Monday and was surprised to find my business travel request was not yet approved. Also, it seemed odd my boss did not reach out to catch up on tasks after I was off for three weeks. I have a remote position, and the primary focus of my job is to visit suppliers for audits. My boss covered my tasks while I was off so the lack of contact and pending travel request was unusual and a red flag. I contacted my boss and was placated with “I’ll get back to you,” so I had little choice but to wait until our scheduled meeting that Thursday. On Thursday morning a peer called me, who was schedule to visit a supplier with me later that month, to tell me he was laid off. There was also a company wide email with the title Q4 Organizational Changes that spoke of restructuring activity impacting a portion of the company workforce. The red flags were adding up and sure enough, the focus of our meeting was my boss reading a separation agreement plan to me. I was not surprised, but it was still devastating to hear.
The next day I dusted myself off and headed into the location where I have a cubical. My intention was to say farewell to the people I have grown fond of over the last 13 years and clean out my things. It was sad and scary, but I was trying to bravely move forward with my dignity in tact. On the way in, I stopped at the store and purchased several bags of candy with a plan to give my peers a small parting gift showing my appreciation. I dropped off one parting gift and learned the word was out on whom received notice from our location. As I was moving on, one of my associates asked if I had a minute to talk. I explained I had all the time in the world and he knowingly nodded to confirm he had heard. He then said something unexpected. The short version is he provided a solution to stay gainfully employed with the company, and suddenly I had options. Options to keep my insurance and the security of a good job with the company I thought no longer valued the service and experience of my work. He gave me the weekend to consider – it didn’t take long to decide. Next week I’ll interview for position with a high likelihood of selection. I am very grateful.
In the midst of getting cancer and nearly loosing my job (crossing my fingers), I completed all requirements for volunteering with the hospice organization I selected, and was assigned my first patient to visit. I have visited the patient twice, and as in all things – the realities of life are hardly what you imagine they might be. However, they are exactly what they are supposed to be. I sit and talk for an hour with a person who is accepting the progression of a disease and no longer wishes to battle it. It is interesting and I wonder about what I will do if/when I have an opportunity to live in such acceptance. Spending time, one-on-one, connecting with another human seems like a fine way to spend in your last days and hours of life. I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of this person’s journey, and learn about maters of the heart during death and dying.
With love and appreciation,
Deanna
Thank you for the kind words Deborah. I love your “no bean left behind” - so clever. Yes on the movie. It’s a classic I make time to watch nearly every year. Blessings to you.
Hello Deanna,
It takes guts to come through the realities you describe with such beautiful grace as you have.
Thank you for trusting us readers
with the truth. I am guessing you are feeling both vulnerable and relieved for having spilled the beans.
I believe in spilling the beans. With me it's "no bean left behind" when I have people who care to know what is really going on in my life.
It is poetic that at the same time as you are being heard, YOU are being the listener that your person in hospice needs! Methinks this has God's fingerprints all over it:)
I believe one person makes a far greater impact in this world than any of us realizes.
Such is the powerful message of the lovely movie It's A Wonderful Life.
Allow me to suggest you watch it this Christmas as it will make your heart sing to realize the impact your love has in this world.
Dr. Hall